Perception

How I view my life and myself are often skewed from what others see. My issues are sometimes very private and very personal so the need to tell everyone I come in contact with these personal issues aren't necessary. I find myself holding back a lot because my whole life I never wanted to be a burden. I never wanted to cause more attention to myself. I wanted to fade into the background and not be an issue. Or at least my issues not be turned into issues for other people. Why does this matter now you might ask? Well, my attempt to downplay, conceal, hide my issues (which are all normal every day life type of things) has hindered friendships and relationships.

When a friend calls and tells me what is going on in their life I don't want to feel like I am trumping their feelings by telling my latest hurt or concern. They didn't call to counsel me they called because they were hurting. Then when it is a time to talk about me I often think to myself I don't want to be a Debbie Downer when they are having such a good day. So how can a person actually function this way? Let me tell you, YOU CAN'T. I have been in such turmoil about everything, from Cannon to money, from Gracelyn starting school to me not starting school, from working in the church to me not working for the church, trying to please my family to me not pleasing my family, getting stuck in a rut to trying something new and not liking it. I have wanted to blog about so much more of these things but a thought usually strikes me when I get started or after I finish a post. I think~How would I feel if I was sitting with my morning coffee (he he he, I don't drink coffee but it sounded better than my morning lemonade) and I read my many friend's blogs and come across something that i hadn't ever heard about before. If I read about a struggle that was going on and I didn't know anything about it. Quite frankly I would be hurt. I would be hurt that my friend wouldn't have told me when we were on the phone a few hours earlier. I would be hurt when I asked my friend 3 days prior if things were okay and they said yeah things are good but then discover that they have been in a deep struggle but couldn't tell me. So then that goes back to me not wanting to be a burden. People have their own lives they don't need a third, fourth, fifth child to take care of. To coddle when things are difficult. I struggle with being *that* friend. You know the one. That requires so much work. I have had some before and although I have enjoyed their friendship it wasn't effortless or easy going.

I would like to think of myself as easy going and easy to get along with. I have discovered lately that there are some people who don't like me. GASP~it is true. As much as I hate it and am uncomfortable writing that I know it to be true and I have to deal with it. Who doesn't want to be liked? Well some people don't care but when you are me you want to be liked and loved and cared for. You want to feel valued and appreciated. Don't we all?

I have the best friends. I always say that. I have successfully surrounded myself with a group of women who are so caring, sweet, kind and full of the Holy Spirit. I draw my strength from them. I admire them and cherish them to pieces. They are teachers and counselors in times of difficulty. They each have taught me how to live and be a woman whom our Father adores. They have each shaped my life in ways that I don't even have the words to describe fully. These women love my kids, my family, my husband, and me because of who we are and don't hide the fact that we are similar or different but all children of God on a journey together.

So the purpose of this post is this~I stink at friendships. I really do. I don't write thank you notes. I don't call and check up on people. I don't fulfil plans because sometimes I am lazy like that. I hold back so much because I am afraid of getting hurt. I have a hard time telling my true feelings all the time. I try to be truthful when I can. Meaning when I know it won't hurt any one's feelings. BUT the 2nd purpose of this post is that I know this about myself and I don't like it. I will change because the Lord commands me to. He told me that this is not what he has in store for me. That I am letting people define who I am and not trusting in the people who I love. I'm not trusting in their friendships and their love for me. I am not trusting the Lord for putting these people in my path to help guide me. I am not allowing the people who are working for Him to work on me.

I am working on it. Let me take that back. My Father is working on that. My perception is changing.

I have disabled comments because this post wasn't written to stroke my ego. It wasn't looking for comments to tell me that I was crazy and didn't need to think this way. I know what the Lord has laid on my heart and I am obeying him.