To You From Us,
Greetings and Merry Christmas from our highly accomplished household!!!! It’s just been one promotion, one raise, one well-deserved advancement after another this year, and we have no one but ourselves to thank!!!!!!!!!
We finally closed on the big, sprawling house in Buena Vista, and at no fewer than 5,065 square feet, not including the three-car garage, which we had absolutely no problem filling, it’s finally a home worthy of us that’s big enough to hold all of our trophies and plaques. Alas, before we move in we’ll have to gut the place and start over, as the pathetic yayhoos who lived there before us had the taste of K-Fed’s bastard uncle. We haven’t finalized our decorating plans yet, but you know me…it’ll something mega-classy! Picture leopard, leather, and lace.
I’m sure you’ve all been losing sleep wondering whatever happened to our little Susie’s infected toenail. Well, turns out her entire left foot became necrotic and we had to amputate, which was really no big deal except Miss Pootsie, her ballet master, passed her over for the lead role in The Nutcracker again this year. Tired of all the head games, we slapped ol’ Pootsie with a gnarly lawsuit that caused her to collapse with a harmless little stroke that I still contend she faked, just like she’s faking that ridiculous, sympathy-garnering limp she’s been flaunting around town ever since. We turned down her settlement offer to cast Susie in whatever Nutcracker part she wanted, because we want blood and besides, it’s all just dirty now.
Little Rickie tipped the scales at 317 in June, just a week shy of his ninth birthday, and even though the local pediatric clinic staged a minor intervention at our home in September, I happen to think the extra padding brings out the blue in his squinty little eyes! And they’re all just jealous anyway, most likely because Rickie placed eleventh in the county-wide XBOX tournament in August, and I’m sure those pediatrician peons can’t afford an XBOX for their poor, skinny kids with all the med school debt they have, and after all, if THEIR kids can’t have one, neither should anyone else’s…RIGHT? They’re all just so incredibly jealous.
My Roger continues to thrive in his new job at AcmeIncCo. He was just so above that piss-ant job he had before, and did not deserve to be fired, I don’t care how many hours of company time he spent buying dirty socks on eBay…and so WHAT if he "tickled" Senorita Rosalita in the copy room? She’s illegal anyway. Yes, AcmeIncCo. is a much better fit for my Roger, and we just received word that he’ll get to move to the fifth cubicle closest to the supervisor’s office in May if he doesn’t receive any more write-ups for violating the company’s internet policy!!!!!! We’re so thrilled he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves.
After being brought before our church’s Standards Board on suspicion of unChristianlike conduct for calling Old Man Miller a tally whacker before worship one Sunday, I was placed on probation and not allowed to attend Cookie Sunday for two whole months, which is patently absurd because everyone knows I sit in the fourth pew, far left, every single Sunday so Pastor can notice my attentiveness during his sermon, and Old Man Miller really had some kahunas, faking that hearing problem so he could steal my seat. They’re all just jealous.
We’re actually thinking of converting to Catholicism because the Catholic church in town? Our Lady of Perpetual Motion? It’s really so much classier than our steel monstrosity and they have much more classier windows and doors. And besides, it’s always really gotten under my skin that those Catholics won’t let us "outsiders" partake in the Lord’s Supper, as if we’re just not goooood enough to be in their precious Bread & Wine Club. Well, I’ll show them. I’ll turn Catholic and eat their bread and drink their wine and they’ll be sorry they ever messed with this child of God!
On a lighter note, I continue to be highly recognized all over town for my wonderfully generous philanthropy work. Just last week, I delivered a box of free yoga DVDs to all the quadriplegics at the VFW, and every Tuesday I positively slave away at the local soup kitchen, preparing such heavenly delights as my Aunt Harry’s Spamball Soup and my Grandmother Bill’s Peanut Butter Meat Cake for the poor, malodorous souls who show up looking for a hot meal. I also donate all my stale bread and doughnuts to the local orphanage, as those hungry scoundrels are just happy to have anything to eat, and every Thursday I refrain from screaming at my housekeeper for not dusting the living room correctly. I figure it’s the least I can do!!!!!!!
We hope you have as materially extravagant a Christmas as we’re sure to, and most of all, we hope and pray that 2009 brings you as many raises, new cars, big homes, and trophies as it’s sure to bring our blessed household.
Fondly, Us
HA!! I laughed and laughed and laughed some more when I read this over on the Pioneer Woman's blog. Thought you would get a chuckle out of it too. Love you all and I really do hope to get Christmas cards out but if not it doesn't mean I don't love ya and it also doesn't mean that you kick me off your Christmas card list. I will get back in the swing of things eventually.
Maggie and mommy
Teresa, I think she mentioned she had 4 parties at her house this holiday season. Whew!!!
Santa and Cannon
Kaiden~ Look at those eyelashes or as Cannon would call them eye hair.
Santa and Cannon making sure the candy canes were okay to give out to the kiddos.
