Monday Mishaps

My mornings consists of reading the newspaper online. We get it delivered but the computer addition is my preference. And the thing I look forward to the most is the food inspection report. I would like to thank my dad for making me a more avid reader of this section. He sold food for years to restaurants. Here you go friends. You are welcome in advance...

Change

Change is something that I am not good at. I would like to think that change is easy and that I am adaptable but when it comes down to it I get uncomfortable and uptight when change is near. Why?? I don't know. I go back and forth really. I know that change is a must to grow and that God puts change in our paths for that reason. Today at my cousin's remarriage, she confirmed in her vows to her husband something that I have been claiming for the past few days. That the seasons they go through will be good and long. A friend of mine always tells me that when we are in times of darkness or difficulty it is just a season and that it will be short. I agree. I loved hearing that phrase though today. Made me think of my friend's sentiments. Made me think of change. Made me think of how God is growing me.

So in honor of change a new blog layout couldn't have come at a more perfect time. A start to a season that is good and will be long.
Thanks Melissa!

Kid's Say the Darndest Things

After I got out of the bathtub this morning Gracelyn informed me that she liked it when I took a bath with her because the water is higher when I am in there. NICE!!! Glad I could help you out Gracelyn with my weight.

lunch rooms

I went and ate lunch with Gracelyn today. Fun experience for sure. We had steak fingers, mashed potatoes, biscuits and peaches. YUMMY~NOT! It wasn't all that great. But I had the best company. G introduced me to everyone at her table and we had nice conversations about our pets, who all got in trouble in class and who can't go to the bathroom by themselves because they play too much. Oh the joys of an elementary lunch room. I loved it. I might just make it a regular Thursday thing.

What I could do...

I could fill this blog up with posts about my family.

I could only write about the weather, news, politics and religion.

I could post picture after picture after picture.

I choose to write about my feelings.

I choose to write about my downfalls.

I choose to write about struggles.

This is who I am. I have many faults that I am working on. I am no where near perfect in my faith walk. But it is my faith walk. One that is full of life changing events. I can choose to learn, grow and change for the better or I can stay stagnant and never really change my status in life.

God has laid it on my heart to be more open. I have fought hard against that nudging. I am private to a fault. He is knowing I need to do other things with my life and I can't continue to be so private. I appreciate the kind words of encouragement I received from my sweet friends about an earlier post. You are all icing on the cake (carrot cake with cream cheese frosting to be exact.)

Through this growing and learning I have found that I don't need to find my worth among my friends, family or children. My Father is who I find my worth in. I had a special friend point that out. I knew that but needed to hear it again, and again, and again. Words of wisdom for sure. I will get to the point where I don't question this. I will have victory over this issue.

I know that post was deep. I wasn't feeling good and was a little down so it came easy to be deep and vague. But after reading it a million times and thankful that I wrote it out I am learning. I am learning a lot. My bible study this week is about worth so it really is where this came from.

This is so random I know. It makes little sense to many of you, it's okay you don't have to understand them all.

I could love the world with all my heart, soul and mind.

I choose to love the LORD with all my heart, soul and mind.

**Disclaimer** I will NEVER write about anyone on my blog that is cryptic or in hopes that you-know-who will get the message. So please know that when I write it is about people in general and about my feelings in life. I in no way will make a post geared towards someone that is negative. I may call you out but it will be because you make great cookies or sew like a dream. :)

The Wheels on the Bus

Today while waiting for Gracelyn in the driveway we were singing "The Wheels on the Bus". The boys were so excited to see Gracelyn. It is the highlight of their day really. It was the first time for her to ride and I was nervous but excited for her as well.

She came bouncing off the bus very happy and couldn't wait to tell me who all rode with her. It was a happy day for the Melbans!

Perception

How I view my life and myself are often skewed from what others see. My issues are sometimes very private and very personal so the need to tell everyone I come in contact with these personal issues aren't necessary. I find myself holding back a lot because my whole life I never wanted to be a burden. I never wanted to cause more attention to myself. I wanted to fade into the background and not be an issue. Or at least my issues not be turned into issues for other people. Why does this matter now you might ask? Well, my attempt to downplay, conceal, hide my issues (which are all normal every day life type of things) has hindered friendships and relationships.

When a friend calls and tells me what is going on in their life I don't want to feel like I am trumping their feelings by telling my latest hurt or concern. They didn't call to counsel me they called because they were hurting. Then when it is a time to talk about me I often think to myself I don't want to be a Debbie Downer when they are having such a good day. So how can a person actually function this way? Let me tell you, YOU CAN'T. I have been in such turmoil about everything, from Cannon to money, from Gracelyn starting school to me not starting school, from working in the church to me not working for the church, trying to please my family to me not pleasing my family, getting stuck in a rut to trying something new and not liking it. I have wanted to blog about so much more of these things but a thought usually strikes me when I get started or after I finish a post. I think~How would I feel if I was sitting with my morning coffee (he he he, I don't drink coffee but it sounded better than my morning lemonade) and I read my many friend's blogs and come across something that i hadn't ever heard about before. If I read about a struggle that was going on and I didn't know anything about it. Quite frankly I would be hurt. I would be hurt that my friend wouldn't have told me when we were on the phone a few hours earlier. I would be hurt when I asked my friend 3 days prior if things were okay and they said yeah things are good but then discover that they have been in a deep struggle but couldn't tell me. So then that goes back to me not wanting to be a burden. People have their own lives they don't need a third, fourth, fifth child to take care of. To coddle when things are difficult. I struggle with being *that* friend. You know the one. That requires so much work. I have had some before and although I have enjoyed their friendship it wasn't effortless or easy going.

I would like to think of myself as easy going and easy to get along with. I have discovered lately that there are some people who don't like me. GASP~it is true. As much as I hate it and am uncomfortable writing that I know it to be true and I have to deal with it. Who doesn't want to be liked? Well some people don't care but when you are me you want to be liked and loved and cared for. You want to feel valued and appreciated. Don't we all?

I have the best friends. I always say that. I have successfully surrounded myself with a group of women who are so caring, sweet, kind and full of the Holy Spirit. I draw my strength from them. I admire them and cherish them to pieces. They are teachers and counselors in times of difficulty. They each have taught me how to live and be a woman whom our Father adores. They have each shaped my life in ways that I don't even have the words to describe fully. These women love my kids, my family, my husband, and me because of who we are and don't hide the fact that we are similar or different but all children of God on a journey together.

So the purpose of this post is this~I stink at friendships. I really do. I don't write thank you notes. I don't call and check up on people. I don't fulfil plans because sometimes I am lazy like that. I hold back so much because I am afraid of getting hurt. I have a hard time telling my true feelings all the time. I try to be truthful when I can. Meaning when I know it won't hurt any one's feelings. BUT the 2nd purpose of this post is that I know this about myself and I don't like it. I will change because the Lord commands me to. He told me that this is not what he has in store for me. That I am letting people define who I am and not trusting in the people who I love. I'm not trusting in their friendships and their love for me. I am not trusting the Lord for putting these people in my path to help guide me. I am not allowing the people who are working for Him to work on me.

I am working on it. Let me take that back. My Father is working on that. My perception is changing.

I have disabled comments because this post wasn't written to stroke my ego. It wasn't looking for comments to tell me that I was crazy and didn't need to think this way. I know what the Lord has laid on my heart and I am obeying him.

Do you twitter?

Okay I am adding one more link to my favorites that is filed under ADDICTIONS. It is Twitter. I love it and it is soooo much fun. My friends and I have been twittering for several days now and the new hasn't worn off yet. You can even twitter from your phone. How fun is that? It is based on texts so I do not recommend twittering from your phone unless you have unlimited texting OR if you know how to turn it off so that you are getting the updates all day long. It is fun and easy and all the cool people are doing it! My twitter name is kerimelban so look it up, sign up and add me as a twittering friend. Who knows the next catch phrase could very well be Do you Twitter? I see it catching on.

Doing great

We got little sleep last night but did make it to the hospital by 5:30. It seemed to fly by and we were back in the car by 8:00.

Cannon did just fine and the exact words of the dr. were that there was a ton of mucus in there that he had a hard time sucking out but he finally got it all. That it was like glue and very thick. If Cannon's personality didn't change he would be very surprised.

He woke up SCREAMING!!!! WOW! I was so anxious because we couldn't calm him down and it was just hard. So after they saw he was okay they let us go. He was inconsolable for about 3 hours until he feel asleep at 11:00. I was exhausted because of little sleep and trying to console Cannon. Cameron had the hardest part because Cannon wouldn't let him do anything without him. They are both sleeping still and I hope that the anesthesia is completely out of his system when he wakes up.

The funny juice they gave him this morning was hilarious. You missed it Teresa by 30 seconds. He was loopy deluxe. I teared up at a first to see him like that and then he just started laughing at everything. You couldn't help but laugh as well. He gladly went into the nurse's arms so I knew he was out of it.

Thank you for all your prayers. I certainly appreciate them. We had a successful morning even though it has been difficult and tiresome.

tomorrow is the big day

Some of you read your blogs at night and some of you do it first thing in the morning. So either way say a prayer for Cannon in the morning.

What a big day in our house. I can't really describe what it is like. It is so much more than him getting tubes. It is that something is happening finally maybe? I don't want to make such a big deal out of tubes because my goodness they pass them out like candy these days but it is a procedure none the less and he is going under anesthesia. No one ever knows they are allergic or will have difficulties with it until they go through it so I clam in the name of Jesus that Cannon will be okay and have no problems in this department.

I guess what I mean is that tomorrow could very well reveal a different boy. He will still be head strong and stubborn. He will still want to take away his brother's toys. He will still demand to have whatever he wants RIGHT NOW because he is 3 after all. But he will be hearing and understanding what we are saying at all times. Cannon does hear. Cannon does understand. He just doesn't do both together at all times. There that sums up my feelings. I am nervous and excited all wrapped up in one.

Be thinking of me at 5:30 when you roll over and go back to sleep! Much love and of course I will update ASAP! :)